Silence is not golden when you're a consonant
Ever been on a group project where there’s an asshole who doesn’t pull their weight but still gets the credit anyway? Silent consonants are those assholes.
Even worse, they slow everyone down by causing unnecessary confusion. Imagine the time the world would save from not writing those extra letters, not asking why they’re not pronounced, not explaining that there’s no real explanation, and not getting interrupted by a pedant who can’t wait to correct you. Perhaps we’d have reached Mars by now.
By validating silent consonants, what values are we really teaching our kids anyway? Sloth? Indifference? Being a pain in the neck? Which is why I say it’s time for all of them to go.
“But without them, these words would look so weird,” you say. If we have accepted putsch, kvetch, or unctuous into English, I’m sure life would go on just fine, if not finer, in their absence. Here are the first few words that should lead this linguistic cleansing.
DET
Those Bs owe us big time in lost time.
DOUT
Now there’ll be none over its pronunciation.
DAUTER
Even then it’s longer than son. Still a long way to go on this road to equality.
GILTY
U are definitely culpable for the murder of language.
I-LAND
Without that dumb S in the way, I alone can have all that land.
NEMONIC
Let’s start with a spelling that’s actually easy to remember.
NOCK NOCK
Who’s there? Just the right number of Ks.
PARLAMENT
Looks like I just got ousted from power.
PHLEM
Unless the whole point of G was to make it hard to swallow?
RECEIT
Is for when you pay. Deceit is when you don’t. Isn’t the world just perfect now?
RESUSITATE
Bet you can’t even remember which letter got booted out.
RONG
Double Us don’t make a right.
SCOOL
Just one simple step closer to making it cool.
SEUDO
Somebody needed to call out on that pretentious prick.
SORD
Mightier than the pen that squanders ink on useless letters.
SUTLE
That bloody B in your face was anything but.
WENESDAY
No longer will it be the longest day of the week.